Famous People Read online

  He emailed me the other day, actually. I guess he heard I had signed a deal to write this book, and he was like: Congratulations, my friend. I’m very much looking forward to reading the finished product.

  I’d actually be really interested to hear what he has to say about it, you know, because in a way, like, this book is meant for him. I mean, I have no idea what I’m doing here. I just sit down every once in a while and try to knock out some pages that feel honest, you know, that express something truthful, but the best thing that could come of all this is that someone like Oddvar thinks it’s dope.

  * * *

  One thing I was thinking about recently is like: This will be the first thing I’ve ever created that people can’t play in the background, you know? If you’re reading this book, you’re reading this book. That’s what you’re doing. It’s not like it’s just gonna start playing over the sound system while you’re in the frozen yogurt shop or like, waiting for the dentist or whatever. I mean, sure, yeah, someone could use the book in a way that it wasn’t intended for—they could use it as a doorstop or like, kill a spider with it—but the only way you’re really gonna experience the book is if you sit down with it and read it.

  With music, it’s like, sometimes that shit is just forced on you. Sometimes, you’ll be in a restaurant, and you’ll be eating with this girl, and they’ve got music playing in the background, but you haven’t noticed it because the two of you are vibing, and, like, you’re having this next-level conversation and you’re feeling pretty good about where the night is headed, and then, all of a sudden, like, one of your songs comes on, and the whole restaurant turns around and looks at you. They’ve all known that you’ve been there the whole time. Like, obviously, they all tracked that you were there when you first walked in, but they’ve been cool about it up until now, because, you know, when you’re in that kind of restaurant, the people eating there don’t really freak out that easily over celebrities, or at least, like, they’re rich enough or “in the scene” enough to know that that wouldn’t really be a good look for them. But now your song is playing over the sound system, and you’re right there, and so they can’t hold it together anymore. Everyone feels like they just have a total pass to turn around in their chairs and stare at you like: What’s he gonna do? What’s gonna happen? And it’s like: What are they expecting, you know? Do they think I’m gonna start singing along? Do they think I’m gonna get up on the table and do the dance routine from the video? But you know, that’s music. That’s what it’s like to put sounds out into the world.

  I don’t want to get too dark or whatever, because I don’t like to think about this kind of shit at all, but I remember this article came out a while ago where like, the CIA or the FBI or something—I forget exactly who it was, but it was one of those agencies—someone who used to work there leaked this list of all the songs they used to play to torture people. They’d like, blast these songs into the cells of people they were holding on an aircraft carrier or whatever in the middle of the ocean, and they’d just play the same song on full volume 24/7 for a month or a year, hoping that they’d break the guys down. And thank God none of my songs were on that list, but I knew a bunch of people’s that were. My boy Scaggs, for instance, had a track on that list, and it really fucked him up for a while. Scaggs just like, couldn’t even listen to that song anymore. He completely stopped playing it at his concerts—I think he even had his lawyer, like, try and sue whatever agency it was that was using it because he was so shaken up by the whole thing—and he even had to go into therapy for a while just to sort through how he was feeling about everything. And this is Scaggs we’re talking about, you know? Like, this is a hard dude. This is a dude, who’s like, been in the game since forever, and like, he’s seen a BUNCH of shit. But the fact that his song was being used that way, it was just like: How could someone do that, you know? How could someone think that was possible?

  But you learn after a while that you just can’t control that shit. You can’t control how your shit’s gonna be used. You just leave your shit behind, and whatever people wanna do with it, that’s their business. That’s completely outside of your control.

  At the place where I get my haircut, they just have the radio going all day, like full blast, and sometimes, I’ll be sitting in the chair and like, two, three, four of my songs will come on over the course of my haircut, and Francisco, the guy who cuts my hair, will like, sing along to every one of them just like he sings along to all the other songs on the radio. He knows the words to EVERY song—like, every song on the top 40—and it’s not even totally clear to me if he knows that those are MY songs he’s singing, you know? I’m not even totally sure he knows that he’s singing at all. For him, like, the music isn’t even something he’s listening to. It’s more like air, you know? It’s like air conditioner. It’s the basic structure of his environment.

  So you can’t expect people to experience your music or like, think about your music the way you do, because people have all different kinds of reasons for listening, and at the end of the day, it’s just a bunch of fucking sounds. No one can control that.

  But it’s a little harder and it hurts a little bit more when it’s personal. Like, when it’s about YOU and your life and your family and your friends and it’s not about your songs, it’s a little harder to sit back and deal with it when people say stuff or think stuff that you just KNOW isn’t true, because then it’s like: Well, I’m not leaving ME behind, you know? That’s not part of the deal. You can do whatever you want with my songs, but you can’t just do whatever you want with ME.

  For example, nothing has brought more bullshit into my life than my relationship with Bob Winstock. Nothing. And I don’t mean to say that my actual relationship with Bob has brought any bullshit into my life—if anything, he’s brought me more clarity and perspective than, like, anyone else on the fucking planet—but the way people react to it and the way people deal with it is just like: What the fuck, guys? How can you possibly have an opinion about this?

  I’ve seen what people say about him. I’ve read the articles. I know all the headlines: “Winstock Is a Bigot.” “Winstock Is a Crazy Person.” “Winstock Is a Dangerous Man.” And every time I see that, it’s just like: Do you people even know what you’re talking about? I mean, I KNOW Bob. Bob and I have had conversations. LOTS of them. And he’s honestly one of the warmest, kindest, most intelligent people I know.

  Bob dropped backstage after my show a few years ago in Tampa, and he introduced himself, and he was like: Yo, I’m a fan. And I was like: Hey, man, I’ve heard a lot about you. And he was like: Forget it. Forget everything you’ve heard. Let me take you out for a meal and we can actually get to know each other.

  And so he did. And we didn’t go anywhere fancy or anything—we just went to like, a neighborhood joint, like Bob’s favorite neighborhood spot where they serve Cuban food—and we were eating this next-level garlic chicken, and Bob looked me in the eyes and said: When was the last time somebody really TALKED to you? And there’s just a way Bob looks at you, you know? Like, even more than what he’s actually saying, just the way Bob looks at you is so … human. It’s like Bob really sees you, creature to creature. And I just thought about the question he had asked me, and in my head I was just like: Never. I can’t even remember.

  And so we started talking about everything. Bob told me about his childhood—he had a really rough childhood—and I told him about growing up, you know, what it was like to be grinding since I was twelve, shooting up into the stratosphere and looking around and being like: Yo, is anyone up here with me? Am I all alone up here? And Bob just listened. I mean, it’s not like he blew my mind or anything with what he was saying, but he just listened to me. He just made me feel heard. And at the end of it, when I was telling him about my music and the new direction I was trying to take it in, Bob was just like: Let me ask you something. And I was like: Yeah, man, anything. And he was like: What do you really want to be saying with your music? What d
o you actually want to be singing about? And I thought for a long time, and then I was just like: The world, man. Humanity. The whole crazy thing. And Bob looked at me for a second, and then he was like: So what’s stopping you?

  And I thought about it, and then I was just like: Nothing.

  LOL.

  Nothing.

  * * *

  After my song with Deez dropped, my whole shit basically changed. You know, I had gone from being a kid entertainer to being, like, an entertainer who happened to be fifteen. People were still adjusting themselves to it—it’s not like there was this instant realignment in how people thought of me—but I could feel it in myself, you know, and that’s what mattered. I was beginning to feel like an artist—like, a full-on artist—not just this kid who showed up for interviews and video shoots, but a full-blown artist with something to say.

  And, meanwhile, my dad was feeling, like, obviously really shitty about the whole thing. I mean, first of all, I had just done this shit without even telling him, you know, like, he didn’t even know the song existed, and now all his careful plans for how he was going to roll out the next phase of my image were just totally shot. He just thought I was making, like, the biggest mistake of my career—he was so locked into the idea that he had it all figured out—and so he was convinced that this new sound was gonna be the worst possible thing that could happen to us. And then it only got worse when he realized that people were loving it.

  At first people were sort of going like: Oh my god, I can’t believe this is happening, oh my god, this is so crazy, and it was unclear if they were like, making fun of it or if they really dug it, but Deez and I kind of knew that whatever they were feeling, it was good. Even if they didn’t know it yet, they were slowly adjusting themselves to the new reality we had set up for them. And eventually, like, in a matter of weeks, it was clear just from the way people were talking about it that like, they actually thought the song was dope and they actually understood that I was becoming a different artist from the one they thought they already knew, and once that happened, my dad was like done, you know? He was really embarrassed and bitter.

  The way I saw it, I was saving him a lot of embarrassment, because if we had actually gone through with his plans—like, if we had actually released the album he wanted to release—it would have come out, and people would’ve thought it was lame or just, you know, kind of unremarkable, and then that would be that. We wouldn’t be done, necessarily, but like, we definitely wouldn’t be in a good position to capitalize on all the good vibes we had from the first album. But I think in his mind, like, he would’ve rather failed and still be the driving force behind the thing than succeeded and not have a say. It was just so clear from the way he reacted to everything that what ultimately mattered to him was control. And I kept telling him, like: This is dope, Dad! This song is blowing up. We’re killing it. But he was just like: There is no WE. You’ve decided that I’m not part of the team anymore. And that was really fucking hurtful, to be honest.

  I mean, you gotta remember, like, I was fifteen, you know? My dad was acting like we were equals, and it’s like, yeah, okay, I mean, we had a professional relationship, but also, like: I was a teenager. That’s the age when everyone hurts their parents. That’s the age when everyone does kind of fucked-up, inconsiderate shit. But because of the position I was in, and because of the relationship we had, my fucked-up inconsiderate decisions had real effects on my dad’s sense of self-worth, and that was honestly more than I was equipped to deal with at that point.

  I mean, this is all shit I understand now, like, this is all shit I can talk about with a clear head now, but at the time, I was just really shitty about it, and I handled things maybe in a way that didn’t help the situation. My dad was really shitty too, no doubt about it, but like, I said some really hurtful, like, really inconsiderate shit, and so I’m not saying for a second that the whole fallout was his fault. It was a two-way street, one hundred percent.

  The worst it got was when I went over to my parents’ house for dinner a few weeks after the song dropped, and it all kind of came to a head.

  At that point, I was living on my own. My house was still in my parents’ name, because like, no one will rent a house to a fifteen-year-old, but I had my own place a few minutes from theirs that was totally mine to do what I wanted with, and so for all intents and purposes, I was independent. But we still had a tradition where every Sunday night, I’d go over to their place for dinner and we’d all like, be a family together. We wouldn’t have a chef or anything, and my mom would just cook, and we’d help her, and we’d like, bake some cookies and just try to be normal, do normal shit.

  And so a few Sundays after the song came out, I went over to their place for dinner, and I was in the middle of helping my mom make a chicken potpie when my dad came down the stairs and was just like: Here you go.

  And I looked at his hands, and he was holding this piece of paper, and at the top of it, it said “Separation Agreement.” And I looked at it, and I was like: What the fuck, Dad? What is this? And he was like: You don’t trust my judgment, you don’t communicate with me, we can’t work together anymore. And I was like: Why are you being like this? And he was like: I thought we were doing this thing together. I thought we were a team. And I was like: You’re my dad! You’re my manager! And he was like: If you’re gonna treat me like I don’t have anything to contribute, you might as well get a different manager. And I was like: Dad … And he was like: And maybe get a different dad while you’re at it.

  And that was like, I mean, you can imagine what hearing something like that felt like. My mom stopped chopping carrots, and she just looked at him, and she was like: Richard! My dad’s name is Richard. And he knew he had crossed a line—like, he knew he had really gone overboard—but he already went there, you know? He wasn’t gonna back down now. And so he just dug in his heels and doubled down, and he was like: My son wouldn’t do this to me.

  And I was just so hurt, you know? Like, I was just so upset about the whole thing, because I was just feeling like: What the fuck? Like, I thought this was what he wanted, you know? I thought this was what we both wanted for each other—to be killing it for as long as we could—and so I just went the fuck off on him. I just told him everything I was thinking. I just railed into him for being so pathetic and for living vicariously through me and for being so out of touch and for being so petty and for resenting his own son for his success and for being such a narcissist and for being such a shitty dad and for only ever really caring about me because he knew I had something that he needed and then hating me for exactly the same reason. And he was so pissed off that he just, like, didn’t even say anything. He just calmly, like, swallowed something in his throat, and then he walked out the door and drove calmly away from the house. And I was so upset that I did the same thing. My mom was there with all the potpie shit all over her hands, like, crying and shit, and I just, without even saying anything to her, walked out the door and called up Trick Hatz to see if he wanted to get blazed. And when I got to Trick’s house, he rolled us this like, perfect joint. Trick knows how to roll joints that are just like—they look like they come out of a machine, you know? They look like he went to school for it. And so I just sat back on Trick’s patio chair and stared off into the mountains and got high.

  * * *

  And it was actually around that time that Bob came into my life.

  Looking back on it now, the timing was sort of perfect—out goes one father figure, in comes another—but at the time, it didn’t really occur to me. My dad and I had our falling-out, and a month or two later, Bob and I had that first conversation at the Cuban place, and pretty soon after that, he sent me some of his books to read, and I just started to get in DEEP, you know? I just went ALL IN.

  About a week or so after we saw each other that first time, the books just showed up at my place in this plain brown box with a little note from Bob on the top that said: “Here’s to many more beautiful conversations.”
And there were so many of them in the box that I didn’t know where to start, so I just grabbed one at random and started reading. And that’s pretty much what I was doing the whole time I was touring with the second album. It was almost like, I mean, I don’t know, it was almost like I kind of stopped wanting to do anything else in between shows—I didn’t really want to go out with Deez and the crew after a gig, and like, I didn’t really want to play video games at the hotel anymore, and I didn’t even want to watch shows or anything on my computer. I’d just order in some room service and find a nice chair and bury my head in one book or another. And slowly, gradually, I could feel my whole world changing.